| It is amazing to be able to say I am a
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| | storm of the season was on its way and my
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| whole, happy, healthy, loving woman. I
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| | roof was leaking profusely. I was in dire
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| was sick for the first 40 years of my
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| | straits financially, having been newly
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| life. Like millions of other human beings
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| | divorced. I was preparing to fix it
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| I grew up immersed in the family disease
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| | myself. Unfortunately my ladder wasnt
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| of alcoholism. For generations it has
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| | tall enough. I needed help. None of the
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| plagued my family. The unbalanced life I
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| | folks I knew were home that Saturday
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| led is so common in our society; I didnt
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| | morning but I noticed an open door
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| know anything was wrong. I was a
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| | directly across from my house. I hurried
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| participant in the chaos, confusion,
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| | upstairs to the second story flat in the
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| neuroses, pain and suffering which is
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| | azure painted duplex and walked down the
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| present in dysfunctional families. I
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| | long corridor to the living room. There
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| call it The Dance of Death.I grew up in
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| | on the sofa was a guy watching the
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| St. Louis, Missouri in the community of
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| | football game on T.V. I introduced
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| Clayton. The only memories I have of my
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| | myself and then proceeded to ask for his
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| father are when he would beat my brother
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| | assistance. He looked at me like I was
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| and me with his belt so severely my
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| | nuts. The silence was deafening. How
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| clothes would cling to the bloody strap
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| | often does a stranger enter your
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| marks on my legs. He would make us wait
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| | apartment with a request for help with a
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| for our punishment in our room before he
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| | major repair? I was flushed with
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| dealt the ugly blows. My mother closed
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| | embarrassment but was in too deep to
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| her eyes to what was happening. Both of
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| | recover. Fortunately he agreed to help
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| them partied on weekends where I would
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| | me.This uncommon beginning signaled the
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| find empty highball glasses scattered all
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| | magic that lay before us. The sparks
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| over the living room. I had holes in th
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| | flew. We went on our first date within
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| e soles of my shoes while my mother would
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| | days of this meeting. Bryans car was
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| model a new diamond cocktail ring,
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| | broken so we took the bus across the city
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| winnings from a weekly poker game. My
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| | to an authentic Moroccan restaurant where
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| dad was also a compulsive gambler. He
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| | we sat on paisley cushions and ate with
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| died at the age of 45 when I was nine
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| | our fingers. I remember clearly how
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| years old.My mother attracted another
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| | primitive this felt and how natural it
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| alcoholic to her life soon after my
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| | was to be with him. He didnt seem the
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| fathers death. They had a symbiotic,
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| | least bit concerned about my age. I, on
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| codependent and addictive relationship.
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| | the other hand, was more sensitive. I
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| Every ten days they would consume a case
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| | was still healing from the codependent
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| of scotch which was delivered to our
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| | relationship of 12 years and had never
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| apartment from the local liquor store.
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| | experienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure
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| My mother never appeared drunk but she
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| | it was the proper thing to do but I
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| was distant, selfish and narcissistic.
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| | couldnt help myself; I was falling in
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| My step fathers disease had progressed to
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| | love. I was scared because these
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| the point he was visibly inebriated most
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| | feelings were coming so quickly.Bryan
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| evenings. His attitude was
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| | moved in with me within weeks of our
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| condescending, nasty and self righteous.
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| | first meeting. I remember thinking if it
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| He was verbally abusive and drove his car
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| | didnt work out it would be easy to ask
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| while intoxicated on many occasions.
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| | him to leave because all he owned was a
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| When I think back to that period of my
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| | T.V. For Valentines Day he created a
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| history I remember keeping my personal
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| | hanging wire mobile in the shape of
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| life secret!!! I was ashamed of their
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| | intertwined hearts and presented it to me
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| behavior. I pretended all was well and I
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| | with flowers and chocolate. This type of
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| began developing neurotic habits for self
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| | thoughtful gesture is typical of Bryan.
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| preservation.In my teens I danced several
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| | He has never missed a special occasion
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| days after school, participated in
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| | and has often surprised me with jewelry
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| theater groups, worked in a department
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| | when he returns from a business trip.One
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| store and had creative life in my head. I
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| | evening in the spring we were waiting to
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| imagined the way I wanted my world to be
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| | board a dinner train in Mendocino. A
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| and was in denial as to the truth in
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| | drunken man approached us and said, How
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| front of me. I became obsessive,
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| | come you two are dressed up? Are you
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| compulsive and an over achiever. Because
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| | getting married? Bryan looked at me and
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| I worked so hard I accomplished a lot for
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| | said, Yes, we are arent we? That was his
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| a young girl but the reality was it was
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| | proposal. It was decided we would plan a
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| inspired by fear, insecurity and a need
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| | wedding for later that year. But, first
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| for control.In college I devoted myself
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| | I needed to meet Bryans mother.Just the
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| to art and earned a B.S. in Education and
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| | thought of it terrified me! Bryan and
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| a M.A. in Painting and Ceramics from the
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| | his mother, Sharon, have a rare bond. He
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| University of Missouri. I was hired as a
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| | insisted he would not tell anyone about
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| college instructor soon after graduate
| |
| | our engagement until she and I met. We
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| school. I felt happy for a time because
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| | drove to southern California where Sharon
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| I was away from home and involved in
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| | was visiting her sister, Bryans aunt. I
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| teaching. I took my job very seriously
| |
| | felt sick the entire trip. I knew in
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| but the loneliness I felt when I was by
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| | advance he was going to take his mother
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| myself was debilitating.I longed for love
| |
| | shopping the next morning alone to break
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| . . . any kind. I didnt realize it at
| |
| | the news to her. I couldnt sleep at all
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| the time but I had never felt affection.
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| | that night. What felt so right to Bryan
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| I became preoccupied with thoughts of
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| | and me was unusual, especially in the
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| men. I had guys on my mind constantly! I
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| | eyes of a parent. When they returned
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| was popular and had many choices but I
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| | from their excursion Sharon looked like
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| picked the ones who I thought needed me.
| |
| | she had just come from a funeral.
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| Most often they were from dysfunctional
| |
| | Fortunately, for me, Aunt Toby accepted
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| families. I dated a lot of drunks during
| |
| | the situation and eased the tension by
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| my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of
| |
| | giving me a white angel ornament. His
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| my success as an artist and a teacher, I
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| | mother is a wonderful woman. In spite of
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| had low self esteem and I knew something
| |
| | her disappointment, she welcomed me into
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| was wrong with me.In l969 I began a new
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| | their family. Over the years our
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| life in another city. Within a week of
| |
| | relationship has evolved into a unique
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| moving to Boston, Massachusetts, I was
| |
| | friendship, a cross between a peer and a
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| brutally raped and hospitalized. I never
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| | sister.December 7, 1986, dressed in an
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| received help with this trauma and didnt
| |
| | ivory colored Victorian gown, I was
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| properly grieve until years later. I
| |
| | driven to our wedding in a horse drawn
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| pushed down the pain and was then, more
| |
| | carriage. I remember the sensation well.
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| than ever, resolved to create the perfect
| |
| | As I heard the clip-pity clop of the
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| life for myself, (as if it were in my
| |
| | hoofs hitting the pavement I felt it was
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| hands?)This was made easy for me when
| |
| | the happiest day of my life. The ride
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| Joey Haudel entered my life. He filled
| |
| | was several miles long and I enjoyed cars
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| the position of my Knight in Shining
| |
| | honking loudly at every turn. When we
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| Armour, albeit, distorted. He was young,
| |
| | arrived at the elegant Alamo Square Inn
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| handsome, and alcoholic and had just been
| |
| | Bryan was waiting to escort me inside to
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| released from prison. We needed each
| |
| | the nuptials. It was a good thing he
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| other like ducks need water. We bonded
| |
| | took my hand, for as I exited the
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| in a codependent relationship that lasted
| |
| | carriage, my knees collapsed from shaking
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| 12 years.Our experiences together were
| |
| | so hard. The day was spectacular marking
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| astounding. What I learned about myself
| |
| | a lifetime of love.Both Bryan and I had
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| was profound. Our journey is almost
| |
| | always wanted kids. By the time we met
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| unbelievable. I have told this story in
| |
| | my biological clock had run out. He told
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| a dramatic narrative, I Survived: One
| |
| | me he would rather marry a woman he loved
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| Womans Journey of Self Healing and
| |
| | deeply than to wait for someone to bear
|
| Transformation on DVD. It is filled with
| |
| | his children. For several years we were
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| the dark world of illness and moves to
| |
| | content to be a unit of two. After my
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| the light of wellness. I reached my
| |
| | dear Aunt Letha died in 1992 I longed for
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| bottom after years of suffering. I was
| |
| | a child. Bryan agreed to adoption. It
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| contemplating suicide but was saved by
| |
| | was an arduous experience requiring
|
| the Grace of God and the dear voice of a
| |
| | patience and resilience. We had several
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| telephone operator who kept me on the
| |
| | birthmothers who changed their minds for
|
| phone for over an hour.I spent years in
| |
| | different reasons. This process took
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| recovery; beginning with Al-Anon meetings
| |
| | three years and a great deal of money.
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| in 1973, several series of Adult Children
| |
| | Ultimately we were blessed with a baby
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| of Alcoholic Therapy Sessions, individual
| |
| | girl we named Mariah. Our daughter is
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| therapy with numerous therapists and
| |
| | now 8 years old and the light of our
|
| devouring self help books. I had the
| |
| | life. I am grateful I am able to be a
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| courage to look within and face the
| |
| | good parent and I relish every moment I
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| demons. It wasnt easy and many times I
| |
| | spend with both of them as a family.Bryan
|
| wanted to quit. I often felt I was too
| |
| | continues to be my rock, strength and
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| depressed to get well. One step at a
| |
| | loving support. During our years
|
| time I forged ahead and never looked
| |
| | together I have had many tragedies
|
| back! I visualized a healthy prognosis.
| |
| | including: my brother Johns suicide in
|
| Today I am living that beautiful
| |
| | 1988, my ex- husband Joeys death from
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| picture!I am happily married to a man 19
| |
| | alcoholism in 1989, and my girlfriend
|
| years my junior. What makes our
| |
| | Debras suicide in 2002. I was
|
| relationship extraordinary is that my
| |
| | hospitalized with a potentially life
|
| husband was born in 1960 the year after I
| |
| | threatening blood clot in my lungs in
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| graduated from high school. I am older
| |
| | 1998. Bryan stood by me through all of
|
| than his mother. We recently celebrated
| |
| | these. I married a great guy! I am a
|
| our 17th anniversary and continue to
| |
| | fortunate woman to have found true love
|
| share the most fabulous life. The secret
| |
| | in the heart of a younger man.Each day I
|
| of our success is our deeply committed
| |
| | thank God for the gifts I have been
|
| love for one another. We enjoy a
| |
| | given. I see my world as peaceful and
|
| passionate romance. I wish what Bryan
| |
| | balanced. My mission is to inspire
|
| and I have could be sprinkled over the
| |
| | people to their own healing and recovery.
|
| world like angel dust.We met in 1985
| |
| | It is truly possible to find serenity,
|
| during a rainy winter in San Francisco.
| |
| | joy and love. If I can do it, so can
|
| We were neighbors on a tiny street near
| |
| | you.
|
| the historic Mission Dolores. The worst
| |
| |
|
