| It is amazing to be able to say I am a whole, | | | | on a tiny street near the historic Mission Dolores. |
| happy, healthy, loving woman. I was sick for the | | | | The worst storm of the season was on its way |
| first 40 years of my life. Like millions of other | | | | and my roof was leaking profusely. I was in dire |
| human beings I grew up immersed in the family | | | | straits financially, having been newly divorced. I |
| disease of alcoholism. For generations it has | | | | was preparing to fix it myself. Unfortunately my |
| plagued my family. The unbalanced life I led is so | | | | ladder wasnt tall enough. I needed help. None of |
| common in our society; I didnt know anything | | | | the folks I knew were home that Saturday |
| was wrong. I was a participant in the chaos, | | | | morning but I noticed an open door directly |
| confusion, neuroses, pain and suffering which is | | | | across from my house. I hurried upstairs to the |
| present in dysfunctional families. I call it The Dance | | | | second story flat in the azure painted duplex and |
| of Death.I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri in the | | | | walked down the long corridor to the living room. |
| community of Clayton. The only memories I have | | | | There on the sofa was a guy watching the |
| of my father are when he would beat my | | | | football game on T.V. I introduced myself and |
| brother and me with his belt so severely my | | | | then proceeded to ask for his assistance. He |
| clothes would cling to the bloody strap marks on | | | | looked at me like I was nuts. The silence was |
| my legs. He would make us wait for our | | | | deafening. How often does a stranger enter your |
| punishment in our room before he dealt the ugly | | | | apartment with a request for help with a major |
| blows. My mother closed her eyes to what was | | | | repair? I was flushed with embarrassment but |
| happening. Both of them partied on weekends | | | | was in too deep to recover. Fortunately he |
| where I would find empty highball glasses | | | | agreed to help me.This uncommon beginning |
| scattered all over the living room. I had holes in th | | | | signaled the magic that lay before us. The sparks |
| e soles of my shoes while my mother would | | | | flew. We went on our first date within days of |
| model a new diamond cocktail ring, winnings from | | | | this meeting. Bryans car was broken so we took |
| a weekly poker game. My dad was also a | | | | the bus across the city to an authentic Moroccan |
| compulsive gambler. He died at the age of 45 | | | | restaurant where we sat on paisley cushions and |
| when I was nine years old.My mother attracted | | | | ate with our fingers. I remember clearly how |
| another alcoholic to her life soon after my fathers | | | | primitive this felt and how natural it was to be |
| death. They had a symbiotic, codependent and | | | | with him. He didnt seem the least bit concerned |
| addictive relationship. Every ten days they would | | | | about my age. I, on the other hand, was more |
| consume a case of scotch which was delivered to | | | | sensitive. I was still healing from the codependent |
| our apartment from the local liquor store. My | | | | relationship of 12 years and had never |
| mother never appeared drunk but she was | | | | experienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure it was |
| distant, selfish and narcissistic. My step fathers | | | | the proper thing to do but I couldnt help myself; I |
| disease had progressed to the point he was | | | | was falling in love. I was scared because these |
| visibly inebriated most evenings. His attitude was | | | | feelings were coming so quickly.Bryan moved in |
| condescending, nasty and self righteous. He was | | | | with me within weeks of our first meeting. I |
| verbally abusive and drove his car while | | | | remember thinking if it didnt work out it would be |
| intoxicated on many occasions. When I think back | | | | easy to ask him to leave because all he owned |
| to that period of my history I remember keeping | | | | was a T.V. For Valentines Day he created a |
| my personal life secret!!! I was ashamed of their | | | | hanging wire mobile in the shape of intertwined |
| behavior. I pretended all was well and I began | | | | hearts and presented it to me with flowers and |
| developing neurotic habits for self preservation.In | | | | chocolate. This type of thoughtful gesture is |
| my teens I danced several days after school, | | | | typical of Bryan. He has never missed a special |
| participated in theater groups, worked in a | | | | occasion and has often surprised me with jewelry |
| department store and had creative life in my | | | | when he returns from a business trip.One evening |
| head. I imagined the way I wanted my world to | | | | in the spring we were waiting to board a dinner |
| be and was in denial as to the truth in front of | | | | train in Mendocino. A drunken man approached us |
| me. I became obsessive, compulsive and an over | | | | and said, How come you two are dressed up? |
| achiever. Because I worked so hard I | | | | Are you getting married? Bryan looked at me and |
| accomplished a lot for a young girl but the reality | | | | said, Yes, we are arent we? That was his |
| was it was inspired by fear, insecurity and a need | | | | proposal. It was decided we would plan a wedding |
| for control.In college I devoted myself to art and | | | | for later that year. But, first I needed to meet |
| earned a B.S. in Education and a M.A. in Painting | | | | Bryans mother.Just the thought of it terrified me! |
| and Ceramics from the University of Missouri. I | | | | Bryan and his mother, Sharon, have a rare bond. |
| was hired as a college instructor soon after | | | | He insisted he would not tell anyone about our |
| graduate school. I felt happy for a time because I | | | | engagement until she and I met. We drove to |
| was away from home and involved in teaching. I | | | | southern California where Sharon was visiting her |
| took my job very seriously but the loneliness I | | | | sister, Bryans aunt. I felt sick the entire trip. I |
| felt when I was by myself was debilitating.I longed | | | | knew in advance he was going to take his mother |
| for love . . . any kind. I didnt realize it at the time | | | | shopping the next morning alone to break the |
| but I had never felt affection. I became | | | | news to her. I couldnt sleep at all that night. What |
| preoccupied with thoughts of men. I had guys on | | | | felt so right to Bryan and me was unusual, |
| my mind constantly! I was popular and had many | | | | especially in the eyes of a parent. When they |
| choices but I picked the ones who I thought | | | | returned from their excursion Sharon looked like |
| needed me. Most often they were from | | | | she had just come from a funeral. Fortunately, |
| dysfunctional families. I dated a lot of drunks | | | | for me, Aunt Toby accepted the situation and |
| during my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of my | | | | eased the tension by giving me a white angel |
| success as an artist and a teacher, I had low self | | | | ornament. His mother is a wonderful woman. In |
| esteem and I knew something was wrong with | | | | spite of her disappointment, she welcomed me |
| me.In l969 I began a new life in another city. | | | | into their family. Over the years our relationship |
| Within a week of moving to Boston, | | | | has evolved into a unique friendship, a cross |
| Massachusetts, I was brutally raped and | | | | between a peer and a sister.December 7, 1986, |
| hospitalized. I never received help with this trauma | | | | dressed in an ivory colored Victorian gown, I was |
| and didnt properly grieve until years later. I pushed | | | | driven to our wedding in a horse drawn carriage. I |
| down the pain and was then, more than ever, | | | | remember the sensation well. As I heard the |
| resolved to create the perfect life for myself, (as | | | | clip-pity clop of the hoofs hitting the pavement I |
| if it were in my hands?)This was made easy for | | | | felt it was the happiest day of my life. The ride |
| me when Joey Haudel entered my life. He filled | | | | was several miles long and I enjoyed cars honking |
| the position of my Knight in Shining Armour, albeit, | | | | loudly at every turn. When we arrived at the |
| distorted. He was young, handsome, and alcoholic | | | | elegant Alamo Square Inn Bryan was waiting to |
| and had just been released from prison. We | | | | escort me inside to the nuptials. It was a good |
| needed each other like ducks need water. We | | | | thing he took my hand, for as I exited the |
| bonded in a codependent relationship that lasted | | | | carriage, my knees collapsed from shaking so |
| 12 years.Our experiences together were | | | | hard. The day was spectacular marking a lifetime |
| astounding. What I learned about myself was | | | | of love.Both Bryan and I had always wanted kids. |
| profound. Our journey is almost unbelievable. I | | | | By the time we met my biological clock had run |
| have told this story in a dramatic narrative, I | | | | out. He told me he would rather marry a woman |
| Survived: One Womans Journey of Self Healing | | | | he loved deeply than to wait for someone to |
| and Transformation on DVD. It is filled with the | | | | bear his children. For several years we were |
| dark world of illness and moves to the light of | | | | content to be a unit of two. After my dear Aunt |
| wellness. I reached my bottom after years of | | | | Letha died in 1992 I longed for a child. Bryan |
| suffering. I was contemplating suicide but was | | | | agreed to adoption. It was an arduous experience |
| saved by the Grace of God and the dear voice | | | | requiring patience and resilience. We had several |
| of a telephone operator who kept me on the | | | | birthmothers who changed their minds for |
| phone for over an hour.I spent years in recovery; | | | | different reasons. This process took three years |
| beginning with Al-Anon meetings in 1973, several | | | | and a great deal of money. Ultimately we were |
| series of Adult Children of Alcoholic Therapy | | | | blessed with a baby girl we named Mariah. Our |
| Sessions, individual therapy with numerous | | | | daughter is now 8 years old and the light of our |
| therapists and devouring self help books. I had the | | | | life. I am grateful I am able to be a good parent |
| courage to look within and face the demons. It | | | | and I relish every moment I spend with both of |
| wasnt easy and many times I wanted to quit. I | | | | them as a family.Bryan continues to be my rock, |
| often felt I was too depressed to get well. One | | | | strength and loving support. During our years |
| step at a time I forged ahead and never looked | | | | together I have had many tragedies including: my |
| back! I visualized a healthy prognosis. Today I am | | | | brother Johns suicide in 1988, my ex- husband |
| living that beautiful picture!I am happily married to | | | | Joeys death from alcoholism in 1989, and my |
| a man 19 years my junior. What makes our | | | | girlfriend Debras suicide in 2002. I was hospitalized |
| relationship extraordinary is that my husband was | | | | with a potentially life threatening blood clot in my |
| born in 1960 the year after I graduated from high | | | | lungs in 1998. Bryan stood by me through all of |
| school. I am older than his mother. We recently | | | | these. I married a great guy! I am a fortunate |
| celebrated our 17th anniversary and continue to | | | | woman to have found true love in the heart of a |
| share the most fabulous life. The secret of our | | | | younger man.Each day I thank God for the gifts I |
| success is our deeply committed love for one | | | | have been given. I see my world as peaceful and |
| another. We enjoy a passionate romance. I wish | | | | balanced. My mission is to inspire people to their |
| what Bryan and I have could be sprinkled over | | | | own healing and recovery. It is truly possible to |
| the world like angel dust.We met in 1985 during a | | | | find serenity, joy and love. If I can do it, so can |
| rainy winter in San Francisco. We were neighbors | | | | you. |