| It is amazing to be able to say I am a whole, | | | | Mission Dolores. The worst storm of the |
| happy, healthy, loving woman. I was sick for | | | | season was on its way and my roof was leaking |
| the first 40 years of my life. Like millions | | | | profusely. I was in dire straits financially, |
| of other human beings I grew up immersed in | | | | having been newly divorced. I was preparing |
| the family disease of alcoholism. For | | | | to fix it myself. Unfortunately my ladder |
| generations it has plagued my family. The | | | | wasnt tall enough. I needed help. None of |
| unbalanced life I led is so common in our | | | | the folks I knew were home that Saturday |
| society; I didnt know anything was wrong. I | | | | morning but I noticed an open door directly |
| was a participant in the chaos, confusion, | | | | across from my house. I hurried upstairs to |
| neuroses, pain and suffering which is present | | | | the second story flat in the azure painted |
| in dysfunctional families. I call it The | | | | duplex and walked down the long corridor to |
| Dance of Death.I grew up in St. Louis, | | | | the living room. There on the sofa was a guy |
| Missouri in the community of Clayton. The | | | | watching the football game on T.V. I |
| only memories I have of my father are when he | | | | introduced myself and then proceeded to ask |
| would beat my brother and me with his belt so | | | | for his assistance. He looked at me like I |
| severely my clothes would cling to the bloody | | | | was nuts. The silence was deafening. How |
| strap marks on my legs. He would make us | | | | often does a stranger enter your apartment |
| wait for our punishment in our room before he | | | | with a request for help with a major repair? |
| dealt the ugly blows. My mother closed her | | | | I was flushed with embarrassment but was in |
| eyes to what was happening. Both of them | | | | too deep to recover. Fortunately he agreed |
| partied on weekends where I would find empty | | | | to help me.This uncommon beginning signaled |
| highball glasses scattered all over the | | | | the magic that lay before us. The sparks |
| living room. I had holes in th e soles of my | | | | flew. We went on our first date within days |
| shoes while my mother would model a new | | | | of this meeting. Bryans car was broken so we |
| diamond cocktail ring, winnings from a weekly | | | | took the bus across the city to an authentic |
| poker game. My dad was also a compulsive | | | | Moroccan restaurant where we sat on paisley |
| gambler. He died at the age of 45 when I was | | | | cushions and ate with our fingers. I |
| nine years old.My mother attracted another | | | | remember clearly how primitive this felt and |
| alcoholic to her life soon after my fathers | | | | how natural it was to be with him. He didnt |
| death. They had a symbiotic, codependent and | | | | seem the least bit concerned about my age. I, |
| addictive relationship. Every ten days they | | | | on the other hand, was more sensitive. I was |
| would consume a case of scotch which was | | | | still healing from the codependent |
| delivered to our apartment from the local | | | | relationship of 12 years and had never |
| liquor store. My mother never appeared drunk | | | | experienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure it |
| but she was distant, selfish and | | | | was the proper thing to do but I couldnt help |
| narcissistic. My step fathers disease had | | | | myself; I was falling in love. I was scared |
| progressed to the point he was visibly | | | | because these feelings were coming so |
| inebriated most evenings. His attitude was | | | | quickly.Bryan moved in with me within weeks |
| condescending, nasty and self righteous. He | | | | of our first meeting. I remember thinking if |
| was verbally abusive and drove his car while | | | | it didnt work out it would be easy to ask him |
| intoxicated on many occasions. When I think | | | | to leave because all he owned was a T.V. For |
| back to that period of my history I remember | | | | Valentines Day he created a hanging wire |
| keeping my personal life secret!!! I was | | | | mobile in the shape of intertwined hearts and |
| ashamed of their behavior. I pretended all | | | | presented it to me with flowers and |
| was well and I began developing neurotic | | | | chocolate. This type of thoughtful gesture is |
| habits for self preservation.In my teens I | | | | typical of Bryan. He has never missed a |
| danced several days after school, | | | | special occasion and has often surprised me |
| participated in theater groups, worked in a | | | | with jewelry when he returns from a business |
| department store and had creative life in my | | | | trip.One evening in the spring we were |
| head. I imagined the way I wanted my world to | | | | waiting to board a dinner train in Mendocino. |
| be and was in denial as to the truth in front | | | | A drunken man approached us and said, How |
| of me. I became obsessive, compulsive and an | | | | come you two are dressed up? Are you getting |
| over achiever. Because I worked so hard I | | | | married? Bryan looked at me and said, Yes, |
| accomplished a lot for a young girl but the | | | | we are arent we? That was his proposal. It |
| reality was it was inspired by fear, | | | | was decided we would plan a wedding for later |
| insecurity and a need for control.In college | | | | that year. But, first I needed to meet |
| I devoted myself to art and earned a B.S. in | | | | Bryans mother.Just the thought of it |
| Education and a M.A. in Painting and Ceramics | | | | terrified me! Bryan and his mother, Sharon, |
| from the University of Missouri. I was hired | | | | have a rare bond. He insisted he would not |
| as a college instructor soon after graduate | | | | tell anyone about our engagement until she |
| school. I felt happy for a time because I | | | | and I met. We drove to southern California |
| was away from home and involved in teaching. | | | | where Sharon was visiting her sister, Bryans |
| I took my job very seriously but the | | | | aunt. I felt sick the entire trip. I knew |
| loneliness I felt when I was by myself was | | | | in advance he was going to take his mother |
| debilitating.I longed for love . . . any | | | | shopping the next morning alone to break the |
| kind. I didnt realize it at the time but I | | | | news to her. I couldnt sleep at all that |
| had never felt affection. I became | | | | night. What felt so right to Bryan and me |
| preoccupied with thoughts of men. I had guys | | | | was unusual, especially in the eyes of a |
| on my mind constantly! I was popular and had | | | | parent. When they returned from their |
| many choices but I picked the ones who I | | | | excursion Sharon looked like she had just |
| thought needed me. Most often they were from | | | | come from a funeral. Fortunately, for me, |
| dysfunctional families. I dated a lot of | | | | Aunt Toby accepted the situation and eased |
| drunks during my 20s. It felt familiar. In | | | | the tension by giving me a white angel |
| spite of my success as an artist and a | | | | ornament. His mother is a wonderful woman. |
| teacher, I had low self esteem and I knew | | | | In spite of her disappointment, she welcomed |
| something was wrong with me.In l969 I began a | | | | me into their family. Over the years our |
| new life in another city. Within a week of | | | | relationship has evolved into a unique |
| moving to Boston, Massachusetts, I was | | | | friendship, a cross between a peer and a |
| brutally raped and hospitalized. I never | | | | sister.December 7, 1986, dressed in an ivory |
| received help with this trauma and didnt | | | | colored Victorian gown, I was driven to our |
| properly grieve until years later. I pushed | | | | wedding in a horse drawn carriage. I |
| down the pain and was then, more than ever, | | | | remember the sensation well. As I heard the |
| resolved to create the perfect life for | | | | clip-pity clop of the hoofs hitting the |
| myself, (as if it were in my hands?)This was | | | | pavement I felt it was the happiest day of my |
| made easy for me when Joey Haudel entered my | | | | life. The ride was several miles long and I |
| life. He filled the position of my Knight in | | | | enjoyed cars honking loudly at every turn. |
| Shining Armour, albeit, distorted. He was | | | | When we arrived at the elegant Alamo Square |
| young, handsome, and alcoholic and had just | | | | Inn Bryan was waiting to escort me inside to |
| been released from prison. We needed each | | | | the nuptials. It was a good thing he took my |
| other like ducks need water. We bonded in a | | | | hand, for as I exited the carriage, my knees |
| codependent relationship that lasted 12 | | | | collapsed from shaking so hard. The day was |
| years.Our experiences together were | | | | spectacular marking a lifetime of love.Both |
| astounding. What I learned about myself was | | | | Bryan and I had always wanted kids. By the |
| profound. Our journey is almost | | | | time we met my biological clock had run out. |
| unbelievable. I have told this story in a | | | | He told me he would rather marry a woman he |
| dramatic narrative, I Survived: One Womans | | | | loved deeply than to wait for someone to bear |
| Journey of Self Healing and Transformation on | | | | his children. For several years we were |
| DVD. It is filled with the dark world of | | | | content to be a unit of two. After my dear |
| illness and moves to the light of wellness. | | | | Aunt Letha died in 1992 I longed for a child. |
| I reached my bottom after years of suffering. | | | | Bryan agreed to adoption. It was an arduous |
| I was contemplating suicide but was saved by | | | | experience requiring patience and resilience. |
| the Grace of God and the dear voice of a | | | | We had several birthmothers who changed |
| telephone operator who kept me on the phone | | | | their minds for different reasons. This |
| for over an hour.I spent years in recovery; | | | | process took three years and a great deal of |
| beginning with Al-Anon meetings in 1973, | | | | money. Ultimately we were blessed with a |
| several series of Adult Children of Alcoholic | | | | baby girl we named Mariah. Our daughter is |
| Therapy Sessions, individual therapy with | | | | now 8 years old and the light of our life. I |
| numerous therapists and devouring self help | | | | am grateful I am able to be a good parent and |
| books. I had the courage to look within and | | | | I relish every moment I spend with both of |
| face the demons. It wasnt easy and many | | | | them as a family.Bryan continues to be my |
| times I wanted to quit. I often felt I was | | | | rock, strength and loving support. During |
| too depressed to get well. One step at a | | | | our years together I have had many tragedies |
| time I forged ahead and never looked back! I | | | | including: my brother Johns suicide in 1988, |
| visualized a healthy prognosis. Today I am | | | | my ex- husband Joeys death from alcoholism in |
| living that beautiful picture!I am happily | | | | 1989, and my girlfriend Debras suicide in |
| married to a man 19 years my junior. What | | | | 2002. I was hospitalized with a potentially |
| makes our relationship extraordinary is that | | | | life threatening blood clot in my lungs in |
| my husband was born in 1960 the year after I | | | | 1998. Bryan stood by me through all of |
| graduated from high school. I am older than | | | | these. I married a great guy! I am a |
| his mother. We recently celebrated our 17th | | | | fortunate woman to have found true love in |
| anniversary and continue to share the most | | | | the heart of a younger man.Each day I thank |
| fabulous life. The secret of our success is | | | | God for the gifts I have been given. I see |
| our deeply committed love for one another. | | | | my world as peaceful and balanced. My |
| We enjoy a passionate romance. I wish what | | | | mission is to inspire people to their own |
| Bryan and I have could be sprinkled over the | | | | healing and recovery. It is truly possible |
| world like angel dust.We met in 1985 during a | | | | to find serenity, joy and love. If I can do |
| rainy winter in San Francisco. We were | | | | it, so can you. |
| neighbors on a tiny street near the historic | | | | |